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"I'm tellin' ya man, they're human kudzu," said Stinky Bob. "Huh?" "Kudzu you moron, k-u-d-z-u." "What's that supposed
to mean?"
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When
you take something out of its regular habitat and put it in another habitat you
sometimes have problems. Someone brought this crazy plant kudzu to America from
Japan and forgot to bring its natural enemies,whatever the hell they are, so the
creepy stuff is growing all over the South. So me guys tried herbicides on it
and it just grew faster. It's gotten so bad and so expensive to remove, that scientists
are trying to figger out how to get humans to want the stuff for food. If it catches
on as food, it'll soon go the way of many fish and other animals as we eat them
out of existence. If, on the other hand, we don't like the taste and won't eat
it, it'll take over. See, it's like this with Mexicans.|
Huh? The big fat cat industrialists are importing them to do the stoop labor that blacks are now too uppity to do and which white people figger is too low for them to do. So, I was trying to figger a way to handle all these Mexicans and our immigration problem. That's when I had a revelation. It came to me like a lightning bolt." "What came to you?" "We gotta eat 'em, man." "Eat
them? Mexicans?" |
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"Yeah. See, like I said, that's what they're starting to do with kudzu. If they can turn it into a delicacy then people will eat it into oblivion." "How about we just elect some politicians who will enact a realistic immigration policy?" "Geez, you're really naive, man," said Stinky. "They won't do that. They want the votes of immigrants and recent immigrants. They like their cushy government jobs and won't risk being voted out of office." "Yeah,
but Stinky, I know you're not being serious. We can't and won't eat people. That's
just absurd." |
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"Suppose they start eating us, too?" I asked. "I
expect they will. It's a dog eat dog universe, muchacho. Eat or be eaten is the
rule."
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"Maybe
now. But let us turn a little more Third World and let the world keep getting
crazy, and you'll see. It'll give us an endless supply of food. Hell, we've just
about stripped the ocean of fish and we have to work hard to raise cattle, so
why not just let the Third World types breed as they want and then, we'll eat
'em. Geez, we can even let them mow our lawns and all that other stuff they do,
and then when it comes time to pay 'em, we'll just throw 'em in the pot and kill
two birds with one stone, if you know what I mean."|
I declined an offer to sample Stinky's chili. |
After
our conversation about kudzu, I didn't see Stinky for a few months. Then, one
day I went to a Chili Cook Off because I had heard Stinky was entering the contest
with his Secret Recipe Kudzu Chili. As I was walking slowly down the line of chili
cooks, I just happened to be a few steps behind a grossly fat Mexican guy. Stinky
apparently saw me and the Mexican guy, because he pointed at the fat Mexican,
then into the top of his chili pot and then licked his lips and rubbed his stomach.
I figured that Stinky was just continuing with what I thought was a joke from
the last time we talked. Anyway, when I went over to say a few words to Stinky,
he looked really mad and his blood vessels were popping out and his face was turning
purple and then he screamed "Why'd ya let him get away?!"| # # # |
| TWO BOOKS BY H. MILLARD Available at finer bookstores, by phone, or on the net. |
1. ROAMING THE WASTELANDS - (ISBN: 0-595-22811-9) H. Millard’s latest sacred cow toppling book, is now available at Amazon.com by clicking on this link or by calling 1-877-823-9235. “A fun–and sobering–thing to read” - Alamance Independent |
2. THE OUTSIDER - (ISBN: 0-595-19424-9) |
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